Thursday, December 1, 2011

I am pregnant...hear me whimper

Oh good Lord, NO! I am NOT pregnant.

But I was at the time.

I was home on maternity leave - bed rest - restricted activity - whatever you want to call it. This was thirteen years ago and my chicklets were still a twinkle in my eye and a large lump in my abdomen.

I needed to get out of the house. The doctor had advised I go to the Y and swim. After trying it just once, I was hooked. These little boogers put so much strain on my bod, the effect of being pseudo-weightless even while completely and mortifyingly LARGE in the torso? Hea. Ven. Ly. Heavenly. Absolutely pure, inexplicable heaven.

Who cared that I got to know all of the lifeguards by name (due to the number of contractions I'd have while halfway through the deep end of the pool). Who cared that I'd swim the slooooooowest laps in the world (because of course, this was only allowed during lap swim, and I wasn't allowed to float, I had to SWIM)! Who cared that I'd stay in the water until the last possible second and then HEAVE myself out of the water to blunder to the bathroom to relieve my increasingly stressed bladder. Not me.

The Y saved my sanity.

Except...this one time...

I grabbed my gear. Grabbed my purse. Grabbed my swimsuit. Grabbed my towel. Grabbed everything!

Except the keys.

8.5 months pregnant with twins. And I'm locked out of my house.

Of course, this is pre-commonly-accessible-mobile-phone days, so I didn't have a phone. Or a key. I couldn't leave the house, because I didn't have a car key. But I couldn't get in the house, either.

So I scanned the house. I knew the gates were locked. The little crappers in the neighborhood opened the gates and let our dogs loose if we left the the gates unlocked. But I checked anyway. And I was right. They were locked. Safe and snug were my doggies - behind the gates - inside the house - locked up tight. Yep, I was thorough. Thoroughly stuck. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't get over the ding-dang fence.

So...went to the guest room window (we lived in a ranch-style-house at the time). Locked.

Went to the chix soon-to-be-bedroom window. Locked.

Went to the living room window. Locked.

Like I could heave myself up into an open window? Even if the window was open, the lower ledge was boob-height. This monstrous belly sticking out in front of me? Leaving me with less than one-inch of lap? How freaking ridiculous was I?!?

Apparently not ridiculous enough.

After being outside - in a coat because it's April after all - in Indiana - where snow is still a possibility in May - for roughly TWO HOURS and seeing no neighbors I know (or want to know?) I decided to hoof it down to a house where I see activity. Oh yeah, I got to tell my sob story to someone I don't even know.
This was NOT the lovely water I had imagined, remembered, longed for. Definitely not.

Turns out, after explaining my freakingly fantastic story to the person who answered the door, they don't live there. They're "watching" the house for their friend while their friend's windows are being installed. And then I got to explain the whole goofball story AGAIN to this random neighbor, whom I've never met, over the phone. And they graciously (grudgingly?) gave me permission to use their phone.

So I called my two neighbors who lived on either side of me. Only one had a key to my house. But neither was home (which I already knew). And of course, since I didn't carry a planner (hello, maternity leave? bed rest? 1998? thanks, glad you're still with me!), I didn't know how else to contact them.

I called my husband on HIS mobile phone. But he was working "in the field" so didn't know or even hear that I called.

Poop. Back to waiting on my front steps for Ironman to hopefully show up...sometime before dark?

Wait wait wait. Bored bored bored.

Except, about 30 minutes later, one of the workers from the pseudo-neighbor's house came down. I felt a little weird. Here's me and my monstro-pregnant belly, hanging out on my front steps because I have nowhere else to go, and here's this strange guy walking down the street.


He said he'd heard my whole situation and wanted to see if he could help me.

::gulp:: Oh screw it.

Cue Hallelujah Chorus!

errrrrr, well, maybe.

I explained the window thing - yep, I was paranoid enough to have locked ALL of my windows in my house. And the gates. And yes, the front door. But...there was a chance I'd forgotten to lock the back door. The one that leads out into the padlocked back yard. Where I couldn't get my pregnant belly. Because I couldn't climb the fence. Because I was uber-pregnant. With twins.

So random pseudo-stranger offered to check.

And then he hopped the fence. Easy as pie. (and yes, I could do it now - because I'm no longer monstro-the-whale)

Pseudo Stranger: "Um, ma'am?"

Me: "Yes?"

PS: "Um, your windows are locked back here. Do you want me to check your door?"

Me: "Yes, PLEASE!" (because at this point, though I had used the bathroom at pseudo-neighbor's house, I was desperate, people! I reallllllly needed to use it AGAIN)

PS: "Um, ma'am?"

Me: wriggling nervously, trying not to wet my pants "Yes?"

PS: walks around the corner of the house to the gate and says, "Um, ma'am, the back door is unlocked. What do you want me to do?"

Me: "oh my gosh, just walk in. Just walk in. When you walk in, you'll be in the laundry room. Turn left and the front door will be straight ahead of you!"

PS: "Are you sure?"

Me: attempting to hold onto my dignity "Yes, whatever you need to do, just please, thank you, please go straight through."

And he did.

And THAT is how I didn't escape to the Y. Because after all of that, the chicklets and I needed a bathroom. And a nap.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

you have to imagine this being said by a friend who has a lilting Bengali accent

I have a headache.
Aren't you glad?
Me, completely confused:
You should be glad you have a headache. It makes you aware you have a head!

Good grief, this woman can make me laugh.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So my life is pretty calm right now

looking back on the past few weeks i have realized that my life has pretty much calmed down. well that is compared to summer break which was totally over the top so my life is still pretty crazy. i have a dog who itches her ear like crazy. a friend who just transferred to my school. and i just started taking art club and creative writing!!! for creative writing class i have made a few good pieces. one about words and how stuffy some of them are and another on hair. and i just discovered something about myself. i am a terrible story-teller. i truly am, i can never remember what is specifically said or what my friend said and then it always gets all jumbled up with what seems like 6 different endings and by the time i'm at the last sentence my mind is totally fried. so here i am wondering why i signed up for creative writing and how i got myself into this mess and so know i'm open to suggestions. any suggestions you might have i'm open to them. so come on. give me a reply or something to let me know that i'm not the only one out here in the world. so please. give me an answer. any answer. i don't really care.

goodbye for now,
the writer in distress

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Posion Ivy

I have learned quite a few things over the past few days. First of all, don't ever rub your face on a dog. You'll just end up getting poison ivy like me. Second of all, definetly don't rub your face on a dog if your extremely allergic like me. Third of all, when your mom says that you should go to the doctor, you should go to the doctor! Otherwise you'll probably end up like me. With a swollen face and and an itchy neck. You might be wondering what i did wrong.

Well what i did first was rub my face on the dog, then i progressed to refuse medical aide because i believe that it was no big deal. That turned out to be a big mistake.
Then this morning when i woke up i found out that most of the area around my eye was swollen and evidently i looked like a freak. Two hours later i was leaving the emergency medical place with steriods in my system. They had had to give me a shot in the butt. What fun!
P.S. that last sentence was sarcasm

Monday, June 6, 2011


Well, now that summer has arrived, I have made a list of things that I would love to do in the wide expanse of warm days that follow!
  • Go to ________ Girl Scout Camp for two weeks to train to be a totally terrific aide, and then, in one week, I will be putting my aide practicing to the test!
  • Visit my relatives in Ohio for a fun-filled week of Camp Kake :)
  • Enjoy the sunny beaches of Camp G________ as I swim my way through the week :D
  • Earn my Gold and Silver Award through a series of fun and interesting activities for Girl Scouts 8p
  • Spend time with my friends and family and have numerous sleepovers and such!! 0__0
  • Go on several camping trips with my family<3
Whether I am talking, swimming, texting, reading, sunbathing, or camping, I plan on making this summer a fun one! ;D

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mommy, my stomach hurts...

Thus began my morning.

Well, technically it began a few hours earlier. The chicklets had a track meet this morning, so I had awakened them at 5 (a.m.) so they could swallow some breakfast. They each had a banana and promptly went back to sleep.

When awakened at 7:15, Yell came into my room whining about her stomach. I was washing my face and questioning her about her symptoms at the same time.

"what do you mean it hurts? Like heartburn? Like you need to go to the bathroom? Like you..."

Yell, "buuuurp"

Stunned silence.

Yell, "Oh, that feels much better. Never mind."

I think she gets her manners from Homer Simpson.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I received a letter indicating the tuition rate at my kids' school will go up by approximately $50/month next year. Coincidentally it was the same day as our mandatory parents’ meeting. I’ve been trying to compose this letter since then.

Dear School Principal,

To say I’m disgusted by what is expected of next year is an understatement.
I respect that you intend for the students to perform service hours to ‘earn’ their class t-shirt. I respect that they will need to earn the right to wear them on Fridays. My kids are probably not the norm. They will each have completed ten hours of service within the first two days of their summer vacation. What I do not understand, comprehend, condone, or encourage is the acquiring of ‘things’ for our students.

I’m likely in the minority. I’ve always been frugal so we can afford our children’s wants as well as their needs. This will likely shock you, but I’ll tell you anyway. For all of my children’s back-to-school supplies (including shoes & clothing), the cost for July 2010 was $99. It was done very carefully, watching sales, using coupons, buying “pre-worn” items, and with several gifts from current 8th graders.

But that doesn’t resolve my feelings about what is expected for our soon-to-be eight graders.

A class shirt. Estimated cost $25 each. As is typical for our family, we purchase 5 shirts (one per day) each year for each child. Because these are unique to this class, the cost to my household is $125 for one child.
A sweatshirt. Estimated cost $30. $155. For two children (yes, there are two families with two kids in the class) the total is now $310.

A yard sign. Estimated cost $10. $165. For two, $330. For use one day of the year. To announce what the rest of the school already knows – these kids are graduating. Yes, the children are given the option to take the sign home and display it in their yard. As a safety issue, this concerns me. Do I really want everyone on the street to know my now-graduated-from-8th-grade-child has gifts, money, spare time, and will likely be home alone?

A DVD. Estimated cost $10. $175. For two, $350. With pictures of my child on it that I supply. I’m supposed to pay to buy a DVD of photos I already know I have?

And the big class trip. Estimated at $150 per child. $325. For two, $650. And we haven’t purchased shoes, pants/shorts, socks, jackets, gym uniform, dodge ball, or the various track/cross country/volleyball/football/basketball/kickball/soccer/sports t-shirts and equipment. I know I can scratch off the class sweatshirt, the DVD, and the sign, but that saves a $50 from the total. Not a significant savings.

I know (and understand why) my 8th grader will ‘want’ everything the other kids have. I realize there is an opportunity for them to participate in, not one, not two, but THIRTEEN or FOURTEEN fundraisers. What is that teaching my child? Yes, hard work = earning your trip. But also, “your trip can be better than the one the class had last year" if you earn the money to pay for it. I’m also teaching them to sell “stuff” to people in our neighborhood who are already facing reduced incomes due to high gas prices, higher costs at the grocery store, higher taxes, more responsibilities, bigger burdens. And can you imagine what it does to the families with two children? Oh yippy skippy! TWENTY-SIX to TWENTY-EIGHT fundraisers! I assure you, those parents are not thrilled.

Yes, graduating from eighth grade is a ‘bigger deal’ from a parochial school than it is from middle school. Perhaps only because most of these children have been in the same class for the past 9 years. Perhaps because they’re all looking forward to attending high school with the same set of kids. Perhaps they should consider scaling back on their final year of school. Perhaps consider inviting the kids from a "less fortunate" school to participate in their class trip to a park for a picnic – perhaps our privileged youth should share their blessings?

People don’t need more STUFF in their lives.

I’m ready to wash my hands of the whole year and move the kid to public school.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Ready to Read

Hello!!!!!!!!!!! I am saying this because my mom won't let me have my own blog. I want my blog to feature the fact that starting on my birthday i will try to read 100 books in a year. And I was going to name it Sensational Anne : the girl who reads it all. Isn't that an awesome name?!?!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I'm posting this as part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.  Though I may have to write the dream prompt as well.  I have a doozy that inspires me to no end of activity.

Mama’s Losin’ It

My oh-so-thoughtful sis coerced us into collaborating on a Mother's Day present for my mom.  It's perfect.  It doesn't require dusting.  It doesn't require watering or maintenance.  It won't cause her to gain weight.  It won't be thrown away or cause unnecessary pollution.  But it might make her cry.

On Mom and Sewing

I remember coming downstairs to find mom hunched over the kitchen counter, the light above her work turned on. She was working on some flannel. It was white, with little purple flowers. She painstakingly inserted pieces of metal through the fabric and then grabbed a hammer. She pounded on the fabric, trying to get the snaps to adhere. When she cried because her wrist hurt, I felt bad and went back to bed. I hoped Dad would help her. Those jammies were that much more special to me, because despite her fatigue, Mom made me jammies.  –Suz

Pajamas. Love. –T

Mom bringing out the big white board with blue dots on it and laying it across the dining room table. The sound of scissors running across that board as they were cutting fabric for Mom's next project. Learning how to read a pattern and cut the right size. Making shorts for myself. Learning to use Aunt Alma's sewing machine alongside Mom: "Does your sewing machine have a zigzag stitch?" –Kake

The white glass egg for fixing socks and her focused on that sock-wrapped egg with needle in hand and tongue sticking out. –Nacho
The Chicklets - wearing 2 of
Grammy's creations

Mom is sewing my socks. Why is mom sewing my socks? –B

My memories with Grammy:
Sewing skirts for my dolls
Teaching me to crochet
Using the sewing machine with her
Dressing the dolls with the clothes we made –Crab

I remember that one time Grammy was helping us make clothes for our dolls and I remember that after we were done I was playing with my doll, I sat down then yelled "OUCH!!!!!", I had sat down on a needle. I also remember the time that she helped me make a hanky for my mom for a special occasion. And the last thing that I remember is the time she helped me make a cape for my Roggy and I put half of the buttons on the wrong side!! I still have that cape and my Roggy is still wearing it. –Yell

Monday, May 2, 2011

Blessed are the children

When leaving church yesterday, the chix and I headed for the baptismal font to get holy water prior to leaving.

We spotted a little one. Toddler. Tiny little girl who was obviously experimenting with freedom, but also trying to keep her mommy in her line of sight.  She couldn't have been older than 14 months.

She had on a tiny little dress. And sandals with tights. And cutesy little pigtails high up on her little head. She toddled closer and closer to the baptismal font.

I was watching to make sure she didn't make a break for freedom.

But someone else was watching too.

A little guy. Couldn't have been older than four or five.

He came up to the font and got some holy water. He blessed himself.

Then he turned, bent, and blessed the forehead of the little girl.

And when he turned back, beaming, I realized he had Downs syndrome.

Without intending it, he blessed me, too.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

life simplified

Today was another track meet.

I was incredibly proud of Crab. She's been practicing for track for a little over 2 months & has gained confidence. She started playing around on the hurdles DURING the last track meet & had her coach put her into competition today. She came in THIRD!!!

Yell was disgusted with herself. Apparently she wasn't pacing herself properly and came in ONE SECOND behind her previous one mile time.


One second.

I realize that's a lot of time when you're looking at racing times. I realize it's significant when you're looking at her total time.

But people - one second. It's not a MONSTER FREAKING DEAL.

But apparently it was. And is. To her. She was meaner than all get out for the rest of the day.

Rawr. With teeth. And claws. And sharp fingernails.

So our comedic moment came while I was dealing with entering the kids' times. I was nominated by my husband to do data entry. I have a weird habit of typing things in the most efficient way possible. So while 'bored' at work, I taught myself to enter 10-key.

Yup. I'm an idiot.

Our spreadsheet had some errors in it. I don't know how it happened. Since I know 10-key, I kind of watch myself as I enter the info. So I just glanced at the screen and saw that a 4th grade girl had just run in a 7/8 grade event.

Um, what?

Checked the list of participants, called the kid to the score table, verified their info, gave them a new number, continued down the list of entries.

And it happened again. Called kid to the score table, verified their info, gave them a new number, continued down the list.

And then it happened AGAIN. But as I was looking down the list of runners, I noticed that I wasn't getting everyone who had run during the past three meets.

Call in "Mr. Baker". Scott is the guy who created our spreadsheet. But "Mr. Baker" is the guy who is a techno-geek who I know is nearby. Scott is at yonder pit with kids hurling large metal balls into the air while competing for distance. I'm staying away from that guy.

I yelled, "Hey, Yell, Crab, whoever you are (I know, it's weird, sometimes I can't tell my non-identical twins apart), go get Mr. Baker!"

The kid turns around (it was Yell), and says, "WHO?!?"

"Mr. Baker - he's out by the scoring stuff. I need him right away."


"Mr. Baker....that kid's dad!" and pointed to a little guy who was wearing a fireman's jacket/raincoat.

"Oh. You mean Cooper's dad?"


Later, a mom came up to the table and asked if anyone has seen Yellybird.

I said, "yes, but she's asleep in her car."

The mom says, 'Oh, well has anyone seen her dad?'

I said, "Well, yes, but he left for a business trip."

The mom then said, "Oh, you're Yelly's mom?"

"That's me."

"Oh. Hi Yelly's mom. I have her earrings!"


So there you have it.

Life has been simplified. We are our children's parents. That is all.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Oh, heck, just pull out a tissue!

Afterthe day we've had, I was feeling like an utter failure as a mother.

We were very nearly late for church. And I was singing with the choir! We showed up a my mom's house where she was clearly not expecting us. Well, she was hoping, but hadnt received the voicemail confirmation I'd left her.

The chix' science reports were still being compiled, scored, graded, printed, etc at nearly 11pm and they have istep testing in the morning!

But then I found this.

::sniff:: I need a tissue.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Spring Break!!

Last week I had spring break, what I thought was going to be nothing because my mom had to work, turned into a fun-filled week with the cousins, fried pickles, and one huge dark cave.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

this is getting good

Two weekends ago, I was lucky enough to have my niece and nephew for the weekend. My sister and her husband are preparing for a new arrival (yay, another little cuddler!) as well as trying to move into a new/old house! Tra la tra la, Nieceling has the sniffles. Not a big deal. The last THREE TIMES she's spent the night at my house, Nieceling has had a cold/cough/germs-in-general.

Or so we thought.

Sunday night, after returning Nieceling & Scooby to their loving mother's van, I felt bad. I went to bed early, but attributed it to having had less-than-adequate sleep. What? You're used to a toddler sleeping until 7am? I'm not! I enjoy sleeping 'late' on weekends when I have the opportunity!

Anyway. What was I thinking...? Oh. Crab felt tired, too, so she laid down with me. On Monday she went to school & I went to work. Yell went to school. Ironman went to work. Crab went to her volleyball practice. Yell went to her swim practice. But by the end of the evening, Crab & I were both under the weather.

To make this long story short, we found out seven days later (Sunday afternoon) (four days ago) that we each had a sinus infection.

Oh. And my sister's daughter? She had a sinus infection.

What's this? You wonder about the rest of her family? Scooby had a fever for one day. But Helmet, dad of the two little darlings, felt bad last Tuesday night, felt worse the next morning, went to the doctor...and tested positive for H1N1!

No kidding - H1N1 a year after the big old swine flu scare. Way to buck a trend, Helmie!

Worse news? My sis has a raging cold the following Tuesday.

Worst news ever? She tested positive for H1N1 yesterday.

Not kidding. My nine-month-pregnant sister, due any minute (actually, due Sunday), has the swine flu. If she delivers before Tuesday, she won't be able to hold her own baby!?!!

This isn't sounding comical at all. Hang on. It gets funny.

While at the after-hours clinic with Crab, at the checkout area, Crab noticed a sign about 'labs, blood draws, pap smears' etc not being billed with the doctor visit.

She asked,
What's a pap smear?

Uh, not something you want me to explain right now.

Mom, come on, just tell me! What's a pap smear?

Uh, well, it involves a woman laying on a table...

Mom, that's enough, I don't need to hear anymore, Mom, STOP!!!

End of discussion.

Or so I thought.

Today, while attempting to cheer up my sister, I tell her that I was sincerely looking forward to coming to take care of her in the morning. I was planning to make two soups, put them in the fridge for warmup later, do some laundry, coddle & pamper her as much as I could.

Except she's nine months pregnant. And she'll need to get out of bed every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom. We started laughing & I said it could only get better if I had a bed pan to offer.

Kake says,
Oh, wait, a catheter would be awesome!

Believe me, when you're nine months pregnant they start to sound good. Especially if any movement you make causes you to start coughing. Which could potentially start a leak. Are you getting the idea?

Anyway, Crab was listening.

What's a catheter?

Crab, not now, honey, I'll explain it later.

Kake & I continue our chatting. All of the sudden we hear,


Kake and I are both laughing & find out that she's googled the meaning of catheter. Then Crab stifles a small scream and yells that she's also looked up pap smear!

Ahhhh, the wonders of the Internet age. I know I knew zero about pap smears until I went to my first OB/GYN visit!

Anyway, Crab was stalling about going to bed, I was stalling about doing dishes, and Kake was trying to say goodbye so she could go to bed and get some rest for herself and the wriggler. I told Crab to say goodbye. Kake said:

Hey Crab.


pap smear

And Crab was...


This parenting thing is getting good.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Yellybird may not be a bird after all (she could be a fish!)

It's not a divisional or state qualifying time, but she improves EVERY meet.  I'm so proud!!!

Suz H.
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Monday, February 14, 2011

The Best Shoes Ever!!!!!

These shoes are soooooo cool!!! I just love
them soooooooo much!!! Don't you?! They have the charlie brown comic and it is on a pair of Chuck Taylors!!! I love Chucks and they are just so comfortable! I think that everybody should have a pair of these awesome shoes, sure you can't run in them really well but they are still really awesome!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

This Girl Knows How To Dress-

This is a perfect example of how much I can never, ever grow up!!!! This performance was put on this summer when my mom came home from work. I got this dress like what 7 years ago. I loved it then but it is now really, really itchy! My sister Kat is behind me in a pink version of what I am wearing. This is really fun and I suggest that everybody be happy and that and play around like your a kid once in a while, it will do you some good.

Running My Way Through Junior High

I am a runner, thats all there is to it. I love it sooooooo much. That feeling that you get when you take off down the first stretch of the race.
I ran a 5 mile for a charity this summer and I was chewing gum during it. So halfway through the race I breathe in really deep and I start choking!!!!! I had breathed in my gum!!!!! My running partner C ( a different C than the my first blog) stopped and started screaming at me asking over, and over again if I was okay! I finally coughed it up and started running again. I finished in 50 minutes and I loved it!!!!!

Reading Your Heart Out

When I read the world goes away, I can't hear anything and I just can't stop. To me everybody should be able to feel this. I mean come on its like............. never tasting pizza its just impossible to deal with if you can't! If you don't like reading you are really missing out on a lot of stuff. I mean there are hundreds of books out there with all sorts of topics if you don't read you never learn or enjoy the process of figuring something out before the character! If you don't read this I don't blame you I mean come on I am an adolescent girl with some a case of book fever, who would listen to me without thinking that I am insane sometimes!

P.S. I am insane only sometimes, not all of the time!

How to get your mom to give you your own blog 101:

So I started reading this book and it is soooooooo good I could not put it down, and there is this character in the book who starts her own blog called Fashionista Jane I got the idea to start my own blog and my friend C and I were talking about it during swim practice and we got really into it she thought that my idea was brilliant.
But later that night I asked my mom about it and she said NO!!!!!! I mean how unfair is that I am setting a reasonable goal for my self and I just want to tell people about it!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I just hate it

when a website is spread all over the place and you have to scroll everywhere to see the sides of the page. It's just clear to me that they don't know how to format."

Yellybird, age 12

Suz H
Sent from my iPhone

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